Pain and suffering

Life's full of pain and suffering - and it's all over much too soon - Woody Allen

So, soon after Jack and I broke up, he said to me that something I could do for him was, once I was ready, to talk about everything that had happened. He thought that would help him in the future.

So, a few weeks ago I sent him an email, saying that I was ready to talk if he still wanted to. I made a point of saying that if he didn't want to anymore, that was fine. We could just leave it in the past.

But, he said he was free for lunch, so we met up. We talked about nothing much, just catching up on friends, family and work. And then he said, "Right then, out with it".

I said, "With what?".

"Well, you obviously have something to say to me".

I said I didn't, it was just hat he had wanted to talk and now I was ready. I said, "So, there's nothing you want to ask? Nothing you want to know?". And he said no, that he had been interested three months ago, but wasn't anymore.

That hurt so much. I looked in his eyes and saw anger and that he wanted to hurt me. There was no love there anymore. Which is fine, but why did he make me go through that lunch? Why didn't he just say that he was over it and didn't need to talk anymore?

I can only think of a few possible reasons:

1. He was expecting me to say that I wanted to get back together, and I didn't.
2. He wanted to cause me pain and show me that he was over me.

What else? I don't know. But it took the rose coloured glasses off my view of our relationship. I remembered why we were so different. And I knew it was over. Really over.

Fraco

You left her twice before, cheated on her once, and you were ready to leave her a third time- to be with me. You spent months telling me that you didn’t want to marry her or have kids with her; that you were going to break up with her; it was just a matter of time.

You were always having big ‘blow-ups’. You avoided going home. All she did each night was watch TV while you did stuff in the other room. She had no real friends left. You couldn’t work out why you went back to her 14 months previously. You didn’t want anything to do with the ownership of her apartment. You had a joint bank account that you had never contributed to. You moved in with her because you thought that would help the relationship. You wanted someone who wanted to travel; who at least would see Australia with you, if not the world. She didn’t like camping; the Kombi was the extent of sleeping rough. She wanted kids soon and you didn’t. She spent too much time at her parent’s house, and it drove you mad. You had to see them about three times a week. She wouldn’t let you go away for the weekend to go fishing.

And then, having made up your mind, you suddenly couldn’t imagine your life without her. She is now your main priority, she comes first, her feelings matter most. She is helping you by talking through your issues. You are fixing things that you don’t like about yourself. You say you’ve been selfish for the past 4 years. You want to move on, forget about whatever happened and focus on your relationship and the future.

That’s the biggest load of crap I’ve heard in a long time. You’re trying to convince yourself as much as me. And seeing me, or even talking to me reminds you of the past and all the reasons why you were so unhappy when you met me. And I can’t believe that you can suddenly be happy.

Everyone says that you obviously have a lot of issues. I know that. They say that if you can treat her like that then you could treat me like that. I know that too. That you’re a spineless bastard. Yeah, I know.

But that doesn't change the fact that there were reasons I fell for you, why I was willing to give up everything to be with you. Why I was so happy when you wanted to be with me too. And I can’t just forget those reasons because I can see that you have problems and faults; just like me and just like everyone else.

I asked you what you wanted that first night that I realised you liked me. You said you wanted a partner who was your best friend. To walk with through life. I don’t know whether we would have been that couple, but that night we were both ready to give it a shot. What changed?

And why did you encourage me so much? Why did you say all those things, flirt with me, deliberately use those eyes? Why did you say that we might end up together forever?

That wasn't fair.

Wasted on you

I don't know just what I'll do
Everytime you walk into the room
Oh my head is spinning around
And I can't see clearly right now
I'm wasted
I'm so wasted on you
I'm wasted
I'm so wasted on you

'Wasted', by Angus and Julia Stone

I was so completely wasted on Fraco. Everytime he looked at me with those eyes, I couldn't see anything else. It wasn't that he was beautiful, in fact next to Jack he was nothing. Jack was the beautiful one. But those eyes. They drew me in and I couldn't think clearly.

I was also wasted on him because he didn't deserve me. I know that now, and I probably knew it then. He was weak and would never have lived up to my ideal of him. He wasn't a great person. He wanted to be but didn't have the strength. He would try to stick to things - his girlfriend, a career, a job, a place - but couldn't. And this made him do things that he wasn't proud of later.

My love was wasted on him. But I was wasted on my love.