Temptation

Before my last relationship, I used to think that the question of cheating was very cut and dried. If you loved someone, you didn't cheat on them. End of story. And during my first long term relationship I never felt any kind of temptation for another person in the 3 1/2 years we were together. Now that I look back on it, that seems strange. I think it was because I was infatuated with him for the whole time. I've learned that more mature relationships grow out of that stage where you feel like you have to be together or you'll die into something deeper. But I never did with him, and consequently the break-up was incredibly difficult for me to get over.

But with Jack, I was tempted twice during our 4 year relationship. Proper temptation. Where I felt an overwhelming desire and where the decision was in my hands as to whether I'd follow through or not.

The first was about 18 months into our relationship. I went overseas for a month to travel through Europe. While there, I spent a weekend with someone I had known for about 2 months a few years back. While we hadn't spent a whole heap of time together, we got on really well and had a lasting friendship. He was a very intense and caring person, so it was easy to get to know him in a short space of time. So I was really looking forward to seeing him again.

And when I saw him, the attraction was there. I always found him attractive, but the last time I saw him I was in that infatuated relationship and I never felt any temptation. But this time was different. Maybe that was a sign about my relationship with Jack? Maybe. Or maybe I had matured, and was testing my freedom a bit. I'm still not sure.

But we flirted outrageously for the whole three days. He also had a girlfriend, but she was living in a different city an hour or two away. I'd always known that they had a strange relationship, and that he had definitely been with other girls while with her. I had no intention of being one of those girls, but oh my god...that attraction was so strong. I know he felt it too, and we became very close.

On my second night we went to a local wine festival with a friend of his and got very drunk. The flirting continued of course. And when we got home we both somehow decided it would be nice to sleep in the same bed - just for company and someone to hold, of course. And I think, even in my drunken state, I really did intend that to be the end of it. Because once we were in bed and he was holding me, and his hands started to wander I realised that unless I moved something was definitely going to happen. So I told him I couldn't do it, got out of bed and slept in the other room.

That took the greatest amount of self-control I think I can ever muster.

So, essentially I remained faithful to Jack. He never asked any questions about my weekend with my old friend, although I think he felt a little threatened. I told him that we had flirted all weekend, but that nothing happened. And that was the truth.

So that was my first ever temptation. I passed the test - just.

Not angry, just disappointed

Actually, that's a lie. Anyone who has read my previous posts will know exactly how angry I am. But that's not all the time. And the anger really stems from disappointment. I'm so disappointed that you are not the man I thought you were.

If you were a real man, you wouldn't have let me know that you liked me. You wouldn't have flirted with me when you knew that I was torn between you and Jack. You wouldn't have told me how happy you were when I broke up with him, nor that you were going to break up with her that weekend. Not if you didn't know your own mind. Because if you were a real man, you would have realised the huge effect you had had on my life and you wouldn't have taken that decision lightly. You would have worked out whether it was what you really wanted and whether you could actually go through the process of breaking up with her before you gave me any hope.

And if you were a good person, you would have told me that you were engaged before I heard it through people at work. You wouldn't have ignored me when I tried to be friends with you, and you wouldn't look scared anytime you see me or my friends.

I know you have issues with guilt. You should, too after behaving so dishonourably. But I also know that you want to be a better person, you don't want to hurt people. I know that from what you've told me about your past and your relationship. But you just lack the backbone to do anything about it. To make the hard decisions. To think your actions through before they hurt people.

And I wonder - did you ever actually tell her the truth? Did you say that you had feelings for someone else? Or did you just say it was about the problems in your relationship? If you didn't tell her, then I can't have any respect for you anymore. And what respect is left is so miniscule maybe it doesn't matter anyway. But I want to hold onto that little bit of hope that I'm not a bad judge of character. That maybe I can trust myself to make decisions about people in the future. At least give me that.