The Background

Ok, so you're probably wondering by now what the hell this blog is about. It's about my life for the past 6 months, which has been confusing to say the least.

18 months ago I was living with my boyfriend and our cat, basically happy with my life. Somedays ecstatically happy.

6 months ago, my boyfriend was overseas where he was spending the year doing volunteer work and I had seen him for a total of 4 weeks in that year. He was due home in just over a month. I was slightly worried about how we'd both cope with him being back, but I was also excited that he was coming home.

While he was away I missed him. A lot. But I also kinda liked some of the aspects of my changed life. I liked having the freedom to do what I wanted when I wanted. Not that I hadn't been able to do that before, but when we were living together we just naturally stayed home a lot. We knew one of us would be cooking dinner, and it seemed more effort to go out separately than to stay home. I did hang out with just my friends, but without the option of him there I did it a lot more. And I liked the spontaneity of being able to decide what to do on the spot.

But I missed my best friend. The person I did stuff with. My lover. The one I talked everything over with at the end of my day at work. The in-jokes. The little rituals.

What I didn't miss were, obviously, the things that made me not so sure about our relationship. He would blow up at little things, and become snappy. I have a low tolerance for conflict, and he has a high one. I would tell him how this made me feel, and he would be sorry, but it didn't stop it happening.

The first time I visited him overseas we had a huge fight. I was on the point of leaving him then but I couldn't. I wasn't ready to let go. The second time I visited we had an awesome time. This reassured me that everything would be OK eventually. Once he got home once we both readjusted, it would be alright.

How wrong I would be...

I fucking hate you right now

I

Really

Fucking

Hate

You.

I hate you for existing. I hate you for ever coming into my fucking life. I hate you for the fact that I find you so attractive. I hate your fucking eyes. I hate your fucking kombi. I hate you for leading me on. I hate you for every nice thing you ever said to me. I hate your photography. I hate that I love your photos. I hate you for not choosing me. I hate you for being a spineless bastard. I hate you for being a wimp. I hate you for every fucking thing you told me about your fucking girlfriend. I hate you for that email you sent me. I hate you for the way you’ve avoided me ever since. I hate you for not being the person I thought you were. I hate you for sucking me in. I hate you for sucking my friends in. I hate you for raising my hopes.

And I really fucking hate you for proposing to her.

Woody Allen for all occasions

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

Woody Allen