Pain and suffering

Life's full of pain and suffering - and it's all over much too soon - Woody Allen

So, soon after Jack and I broke up, he said to me that something I could do for him was, once I was ready, to talk about everything that had happened. He thought that would help him in the future.

So, a few weeks ago I sent him an email, saying that I was ready to talk if he still wanted to. I made a point of saying that if he didn't want to anymore, that was fine. We could just leave it in the past.

But, he said he was free for lunch, so we met up. We talked about nothing much, just catching up on friends, family and work. And then he said, "Right then, out with it".

I said, "With what?".

"Well, you obviously have something to say to me".

I said I didn't, it was just hat he had wanted to talk and now I was ready. I said, "So, there's nothing you want to ask? Nothing you want to know?". And he said no, that he had been interested three months ago, but wasn't anymore.

That hurt so much. I looked in his eyes and saw anger and that he wanted to hurt me. There was no love there anymore. Which is fine, but why did he make me go through that lunch? Why didn't he just say that he was over it and didn't need to talk anymore?

I can only think of a few possible reasons:

1. He was expecting me to say that I wanted to get back together, and I didn't.
2. He wanted to cause me pain and show me that he was over me.

What else? I don't know. But it took the rose coloured glasses off my view of our relationship. I remembered why we were so different. And I knew it was over. Really over.

Fraco

You left her twice before, cheated on her once, and you were ready to leave her a third time- to be with me. You spent months telling me that you didn’t want to marry her or have kids with her; that you were going to break up with her; it was just a matter of time.

You were always having big ‘blow-ups’. You avoided going home. All she did each night was watch TV while you did stuff in the other room. She had no real friends left. You couldn’t work out why you went back to her 14 months previously. You didn’t want anything to do with the ownership of her apartment. You had a joint bank account that you had never contributed to. You moved in with her because you thought that would help the relationship. You wanted someone who wanted to travel; who at least would see Australia with you, if not the world. She didn’t like camping; the Kombi was the extent of sleeping rough. She wanted kids soon and you didn’t. She spent too much time at her parent’s house, and it drove you mad. You had to see them about three times a week. She wouldn’t let you go away for the weekend to go fishing.

And then, having made up your mind, you suddenly couldn’t imagine your life without her. She is now your main priority, she comes first, her feelings matter most. She is helping you by talking through your issues. You are fixing things that you don’t like about yourself. You say you’ve been selfish for the past 4 years. You want to move on, forget about whatever happened and focus on your relationship and the future.

That’s the biggest load of crap I’ve heard in a long time. You’re trying to convince yourself as much as me. And seeing me, or even talking to me reminds you of the past and all the reasons why you were so unhappy when you met me. And I can’t believe that you can suddenly be happy.

Everyone says that you obviously have a lot of issues. I know that. They say that if you can treat her like that then you could treat me like that. I know that too. That you’re a spineless bastard. Yeah, I know.

But that doesn't change the fact that there were reasons I fell for you, why I was willing to give up everything to be with you. Why I was so happy when you wanted to be with me too. And I can’t just forget those reasons because I can see that you have problems and faults; just like me and just like everyone else.

I asked you what you wanted that first night that I realised you liked me. You said you wanted a partner who was your best friend. To walk with through life. I don’t know whether we would have been that couple, but that night we were both ready to give it a shot. What changed?

And why did you encourage me so much? Why did you say all those things, flirt with me, deliberately use those eyes? Why did you say that we might end up together forever?

That wasn't fair.

Wasted on you

I don't know just what I'll do
Everytime you walk into the room
Oh my head is spinning around
And I can't see clearly right now
I'm wasted
I'm so wasted on you
I'm wasted
I'm so wasted on you

'Wasted', by Angus and Julia Stone

I was so completely wasted on Fraco. Everytime he looked at me with those eyes, I couldn't see anything else. It wasn't that he was beautiful, in fact next to Jack he was nothing. Jack was the beautiful one. But those eyes. They drew me in and I couldn't think clearly.

I was also wasted on him because he didn't deserve me. I know that now, and I probably knew it then. He was weak and would never have lived up to my ideal of him. He wasn't a great person. He wanted to be but didn't have the strength. He would try to stick to things - his girlfriend, a career, a job, a place - but couldn't. And this made him do things that he wasn't proud of later.

My love was wasted on him. But I was wasted on my love.

Temptation

Before my last relationship, I used to think that the question of cheating was very cut and dried. If you loved someone, you didn't cheat on them. End of story. And during my first long term relationship I never felt any kind of temptation for another person in the 3 1/2 years we were together. Now that I look back on it, that seems strange. I think it was because I was infatuated with him for the whole time. I've learned that more mature relationships grow out of that stage where you feel like you have to be together or you'll die into something deeper. But I never did with him, and consequently the break-up was incredibly difficult for me to get over.

But with Jack, I was tempted twice during our 4 year relationship. Proper temptation. Where I felt an overwhelming desire and where the decision was in my hands as to whether I'd follow through or not.

The first was about 18 months into our relationship. I went overseas for a month to travel through Europe. While there, I spent a weekend with someone I had known for about 2 months a few years back. While we hadn't spent a whole heap of time together, we got on really well and had a lasting friendship. He was a very intense and caring person, so it was easy to get to know him in a short space of time. So I was really looking forward to seeing him again.

And when I saw him, the attraction was there. I always found him attractive, but the last time I saw him I was in that infatuated relationship and I never felt any temptation. But this time was different. Maybe that was a sign about my relationship with Jack? Maybe. Or maybe I had matured, and was testing my freedom a bit. I'm still not sure.

But we flirted outrageously for the whole three days. He also had a girlfriend, but she was living in a different city an hour or two away. I'd always known that they had a strange relationship, and that he had definitely been with other girls while with her. I had no intention of being one of those girls, but oh my god...that attraction was so strong. I know he felt it too, and we became very close.

On my second night we went to a local wine festival with a friend of his and got very drunk. The flirting continued of course. And when we got home we both somehow decided it would be nice to sleep in the same bed - just for company and someone to hold, of course. And I think, even in my drunken state, I really did intend that to be the end of it. Because once we were in bed and he was holding me, and his hands started to wander I realised that unless I moved something was definitely going to happen. So I told him I couldn't do it, got out of bed and slept in the other room.

That took the greatest amount of self-control I think I can ever muster.

So, essentially I remained faithful to Jack. He never asked any questions about my weekend with my old friend, although I think he felt a little threatened. I told him that we had flirted all weekend, but that nothing happened. And that was the truth.

So that was my first ever temptation. I passed the test - just.

Not angry, just disappointed

Actually, that's a lie. Anyone who has read my previous posts will know exactly how angry I am. But that's not all the time. And the anger really stems from disappointment. I'm so disappointed that you are not the man I thought you were.

If you were a real man, you wouldn't have let me know that you liked me. You wouldn't have flirted with me when you knew that I was torn between you and Jack. You wouldn't have told me how happy you were when I broke up with him, nor that you were going to break up with her that weekend. Not if you didn't know your own mind. Because if you were a real man, you would have realised the huge effect you had had on my life and you wouldn't have taken that decision lightly. You would have worked out whether it was what you really wanted and whether you could actually go through the process of breaking up with her before you gave me any hope.

And if you were a good person, you would have told me that you were engaged before I heard it through people at work. You wouldn't have ignored me when I tried to be friends with you, and you wouldn't look scared anytime you see me or my friends.

I know you have issues with guilt. You should, too after behaving so dishonourably. But I also know that you want to be a better person, you don't want to hurt people. I know that from what you've told me about your past and your relationship. But you just lack the backbone to do anything about it. To make the hard decisions. To think your actions through before they hurt people.

And I wonder - did you ever actually tell her the truth? Did you say that you had feelings for someone else? Or did you just say it was about the problems in your relationship? If you didn't tell her, then I can't have any respect for you anymore. And what respect is left is so miniscule maybe it doesn't matter anyway. But I want to hold onto that little bit of hope that I'm not a bad judge of character. That maybe I can trust myself to make decisions about people in the future. At least give me that.

The Background

Ok, so you're probably wondering by now what the hell this blog is about. It's about my life for the past 6 months, which has been confusing to say the least.

18 months ago I was living with my boyfriend and our cat, basically happy with my life. Somedays ecstatically happy.

6 months ago, my boyfriend was overseas where he was spending the year doing volunteer work and I had seen him for a total of 4 weeks in that year. He was due home in just over a month. I was slightly worried about how we'd both cope with him being back, but I was also excited that he was coming home.

While he was away I missed him. A lot. But I also kinda liked some of the aspects of my changed life. I liked having the freedom to do what I wanted when I wanted. Not that I hadn't been able to do that before, but when we were living together we just naturally stayed home a lot. We knew one of us would be cooking dinner, and it seemed more effort to go out separately than to stay home. I did hang out with just my friends, but without the option of him there I did it a lot more. And I liked the spontaneity of being able to decide what to do on the spot.

But I missed my best friend. The person I did stuff with. My lover. The one I talked everything over with at the end of my day at work. The in-jokes. The little rituals.

What I didn't miss were, obviously, the things that made me not so sure about our relationship. He would blow up at little things, and become snappy. I have a low tolerance for conflict, and he has a high one. I would tell him how this made me feel, and he would be sorry, but it didn't stop it happening.

The first time I visited him overseas we had a huge fight. I was on the point of leaving him then but I couldn't. I wasn't ready to let go. The second time I visited we had an awesome time. This reassured me that everything would be OK eventually. Once he got home once we both readjusted, it would be alright.

How wrong I would be...

I fucking hate you right now

I

Really

Fucking

Hate

You.

I hate you for existing. I hate you for ever coming into my fucking life. I hate you for the fact that I find you so attractive. I hate your fucking eyes. I hate your fucking kombi. I hate you for leading me on. I hate you for every nice thing you ever said to me. I hate your photography. I hate that I love your photos. I hate you for not choosing me. I hate you for being a spineless bastard. I hate you for being a wimp. I hate you for every fucking thing you told me about your fucking girlfriend. I hate you for that email you sent me. I hate you for the way you’ve avoided me ever since. I hate you for not being the person I thought you were. I hate you for sucking me in. I hate you for sucking my friends in. I hate you for raising my hopes.

And I really fucking hate you for proposing to her.